“Balance is B*llsh*t”
June 8, 2011 by Amy Lyden
By Amy Lyden, Australian Businesswomen’s Network Advocacy Advisor
I was contacted recently by an organisation that is doing some work for a corporate client. This client has a female employee who is searching for the “right” balance between motherhood, work and family. She is feeling guilty for being at work and also feeling guilty when she’s not getting things done at work because she’s with her child. She is essentially searching for a “formula,” a “how to manual.”
It is the classic dilemma that has been an albatross on many-a-necks of working mums. There seems to be a myth out there about “balance.” The myth that as women, we need to learn how to “balance” the “right” amount of time and energy into our careers and businesses, our families and our children. For those women who choose to work (or as in most cases have to work), there is always the little nagging feeling that surfaces every now and again about if she’s doing the “right” thing by working and not being available to her children 24/7.
First of all, to quote my dear friend Suzi Dafnis, “Balance is B*llsh*t.” Suzi was asked how she “balances” her work and family/personal time in an interview many years ago. Of course, much to the dismay of Suzi, the journalist pulled this tasty sound bite out of their entire conversation and made this the headline. But I love it. (It’s funny that this question rarely comes up in interviews of successful businessmen, but almost ALWAYS with women!)
Balance is whatever feels right to YOU. No one can tell you what that “formula” is. No consultant or employer is going to provide the magic combination. You must experiment and CHOOSE what works for you, your family and your business or employer.
CHOICE is the key word here. Choosing what you do and how you do it brings empowerment. Even if conditions aren’t optimum in any area of your life, choosing to accept where you are at gives you freedom. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have goals and a vision for your ideal scenario – of course you should. But by choosing what you are doing at the moment and living in that moment, you will be freer.
When we look to the green field over the fence (pining for our children when working or thinking about work when with your kids), we set ourselves up for misery.
Be present. Spend every moment that you are with your kids REALLY being with them – turn off the phone, twitter stream, TV. Engage.
Feeling guilty takes up energy – vital energy that you need! Instead of feeling guilty at work, get into it. Thrive. Be the best you can be. As a result, you’ll be better at home too.
One last word that I believe contributes greatly to happiness and a sense of sanity in today’s increasingly busy world – surrender. Things aren’t perfect. Let it go… breathe… laugh… enjoy. We are only here for a short time, so let’s try to make it a good time.
And write your own manual.
MORE GREAT BLOG POSTS BY AMY LYDEN
- Budget Impacts for Small Business and Working Families
- Managing yourself for HIGH Performance
- Celebrating 100 Years of International Women’s Day with Unity Dow
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Amy Lyden - Advocacy Advisor – Australian Businesswomen’s NetworkAn entrepreneur and specialist in ecommerce and online strategy, Amy has had over 13 years of practical experience in these areas. Launching her first website in 1998 Amy was at the forefront of an online revolution without even realizing it. Within a year this site became and remains today a #1 ranking site and global community of pet lovers that attracts over 4 million visitors a year. This Australia-based business, Bow Wow Meow, now sells product online to over 100 countries worldwide. Amy sold this business in 2007 and turned her energy to the nonprofit sector. Amy is currently the CEO of Australian Scholarships Foundation, an organisation that facilitates scholarships for education and training for people who work in the nonprofit sector. Amy is the recipient of numerous business awards including the 2006 NSW Telstra Business Women’s Awards for Innovation, the 2002 National Telstra Business Award and the Leading Women Entrepreneurs of the World Grant. Amy is an Ambassador and former Chairperson for the Australian Businesswomen’s Network, an organisation that supports female entrepreneurs. Amy was also invited to serve on the Commonwealth Small Business Council, an initiative by the Federal minister for Small Business. Amy has been profiled in the following books: “Women’s Business, Women’s Wealth” by Amanda Ellis, “Female Entrepreneurs,” by Leiza Clark and “Secrets of Female Entrepreneurs Exposed!” by Dale Beaumont. Amy is passionate about using technology to connect people globally for positive change.
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Thank you for a really great article Amy. I used to be one of those mothers who constantly stressed about finding “balance” and always felt guilty whether I was at work or at home. “Surrender” has been key to dealing with this, along with being in the moment and measuring time by quality not quantity. I now welcome the daily chaos, have thrown “balance” out the window, and simply revel in the treat of having a great job and a great family.
Hi Amy
Great article, but I think that with experience, and by setting boundaries we can have balance (most of the time).
When I started my business, I was trying to work around babies, juggling like crazy and having a hard time of it all.
Now that I have been in business a few years I have 1 golden rule.
When my kids are at home I don’t work. It’s that simple.
It means when my kids are at school I put in a solid 5-6hr day, but when they are at home I am spending time with them and doing all the houseworky type things that still need doing.
Most of the time I won’t even answer client phone calls in this time as I am not in work mode. I let my phone go to message and respond when I am back at my desk.
Like anything in life, it isn’t foolproof, but it works for me! ;0)
Nicole
Thanks Vivienne and Nicole for sharing your experiences. You both sound like you have struck your own “balance” that works for you! Vivienne – I too have accepted the chaos (it’s much easier that way) and Nicole I think it’s a great strategy to not work when your kids are home. It means you can REALLY be there for them 100%.
I have to admit I only read this article because the title made my blood boil! But you truly captured all the important facets of what finding ‘balance’ really means. As a Life Coach & a mother, I’ve spent many years with my own battles as well as working with women who always seem to battle this dilema. It’s not until they are given permission to stop meeting everyone else’s expectations that they begin to see that balance has an individual agenda & has to feel right to you. Great article!! I’ve posted this to my FaceBook page!
Hi Amy,
Great article! I couldn’t agree more. The focus on a non existent idea of ‘work life balance’ only serves to put more and more pressure on people to achieve something that may never work for them.
Find an arrangement that works for you, your family and work – and keep it fluid. I have found what works one week may not another.
Love the idea of ‘surrender’ too – it’s so true, the sooner we can let go of the pressure we put on ourselves to make everything perfect, the easier it is to make things work.
Kristy
Thanks, Amy!
The title caught my attention and suggested a notion of balance portrayed as being unbalanced. I do feel that we, as women, are pinpointed in particular to wear a multiple array of hats and be the mulit-tasking models for the rest of the world! I agree with you that it really does comes down to our individual choices.
Acceptance of where we are does give us the freedom to then investigate and find what works best for each of us.
Another key you presented was to focus and live in the moment. Doing our best for each area where our time is spent i.e. our kids, work, etc.is important so we get the most out of these moments. If we can surrender, accept and take initiatives to work a plan that is right for each individual, we’ll be sure to define our own life manuals of success!
Kristin Fournier
Thanks Amanda, Kirsty-Lee and Kristin for your posts. This is obviously a hot topic! Amanda I liked what you said about the need to stop trying to meet others’ expectations – so true! I really wish I would’ve learned that one years ago
Wishing you all success with your “balancing act”…