Why you don’t need work/life balance. The balance Myth.
May 12, 2009 by Suzi Dafnis
Is your life balanced? If you’re a normal healthy, happy, productive adult, I’d say it’s probably not. So why is it that so many of us feel that we need to find balance?
Today I was interviewed as part of a national survey of women business owners on life and work balance. It’s a subject that I’m asked about quite often and which I, in turn, aim to support women with in their own lives.
I’m not sure that my point of view was what the interviewers were after.
You see, I believe that balance is a bit of a myth and a great way to feel that you are not doing life right.
My definition of Balance is:
Doing what I love, when I love, with those I love. That’s it. It’s not about doing everything in equal proportion. Sometimes work will be the focus. Other times family will take its place. Another time, relaxation. But whatever is most important at the time is what takes up most of my energy.
If you define balanced as an even distribution of effort, resources, time with family/spouse, time with self, health, relationships, learning etc. then I truly believe you will set yourself up to fail.
Ten out-of-balance years of growth and success
Since I started my business in 1994 (and even before that) I can hardly say that I have felt like I had a balanced life.
For my first ten years of business (as the owner of an events and publishing business) I worked 7 days a week, I spent most nights in hotel rooms, ate whatever was available and did everything it took to grow my business, to do the work that needed to be done and to maintain some sanity.
As a result of years of working at break-neck speed my health suffered and I was exhausted most of the time. BUT, I also achieved huge business goals that I would not have done had I not put in the time and effort. I couldn’t have achieved what I wanted if I’d tried to work and play in even amounts, to catch up with my family and friends – to do all the things I ‘should’ and to live an unlikely existence.
This way of working is certainly not for everyone, and I’m not suggesting you try it if it’s not your MO. I wanted to get a lot done in as quick a time as possible so that I could then do something else with my life/career.
My sights were set very clearly on the prize, which was a lifestyle that I imagined was possible for me and my partner.
The last five years. Still unbalanced?
The last five years I’ve changed my focus. Having achieved much of what I’d wanted I turned my full-tilt, do whatever it takes, energy to other things. I’ve been getting fitter and healthier than I’ve been all my life. I’ve made more time for family and friends. I spend more time studying the areas of business that I next want to master.
Does that mean I’m balanced? Again, if balance is an even distribution of my time and energy then NO! I’m totally unbalanced. I spend more time working, creating, learning than I do on lots of other areas. I spend more time exercising than I probably need to but that’s because I have goals in that area of life that I haven’t had before.
Beat the Balance Myth – My philosophy
I know a lot of women who work hard growing a business, managing a family and a home and feeling like they need more balance. But I don’t think it’s balance they need. I think it’s just doing more of what they love, of what makes them happy.
I think it’s having a clear picture of where you are heading and what they want life to be like (regardless of how life looks today). I think it’s about taking time to do small things that matter to you e.g. getting a manicure, spending 30 minutes talking aimlessly with a friend, walking a dog, taking a day off – just because you feel like it!
Sometimes it’s just about checking that one thing off your list that you’ve been procrastinating doing (and as a result of completing you free up life force that was stuck on that incomplete item).
Relax. Take a breath. Get present to what is going on around you. Get big and design the future.
And let me know how you go and what I can do to support you. Feel free to leave your comments here.
There are some very pertitient points you make! If only people will listen and do as you suggest!
In a similar situation for 15 years of running my own business, I actually suffered a chronic illness caused form stress and NO balance! So now I have ‘chilled’ and do ONLY what I enjoy!
Your advice is spot on & well articulated.
I agree with you Suzi. I grew up with a Dad who worked for a large corporate. He loved his career, but travelled much of the year when they decided he was needed somewhere. So, when it came to me thinking about my work/life options, I decided that “freedom to choose along the way” was really important for me. Probably why I have never been employed full time by a business other than my own.
I both agree and disagree with you here, but I think its all semantics. I believe in balance, I believe that all obligation & work and no soul-feeding play makes Jane insane! But I don’t agree that balance requires an equal division of time and focus. I also believe if you are relatively balanced it is easier to recognise what you want to do and to do it.
I also think the contextual boundaries are important. When we decide how balanced (or not) we are do we look at a day, week, month, 6 month, year or decade? I explored this topic in a little depth in a blog http://blog.rachaelstott.com/2009/04/balance/
Great post, thanks.
It’s an important conversation and I like your definition. The word we settled on instead of balanced was “harmony”. I.e. Work life harmony. The musical notions provide a nice analogy and it also gets away from the problem of trying to give equal time to each aspect of life which as you indicate is not necessarily appropriate.
Great article Suzi – I agree with you as well. I love the quote that “you can have everything you want, just not all at the same time”. I’m not sure where it came from, but I really agree with the sentiment.
I’ve just launched a marketing consulting business in the holistic therapies industry, so I can combine the things I most love doing – marketing and communications, teaching and surrounding myself with all things holistic-therapy related. People often wonder why I made the leap from marketing communications to massage (I’m also now a qualified massage therapist) – but it wasn’t really a leap, so much as joining the two with a bridge. Ultimately both disciplines are about relating to people, which is definitely part of the appeal for me.
I’d like to think that if I drive my business with all the energy and dedication I gave to former employers over the last 20 years, that I will be rewarded not only financially for my efforts, but with flexibility (which “buys” me balance in terms of how I spend my time), and the satisfaction of knowing I did something to challenge myself. I’m also using this time to get fitter and spend more time with my family – something that a great, high-paying corporate job in London didn’t allow me the time to do.
Cheers,
Melanie
I agree wholeheartedly Suzi – and what’s worse is this notion of supposing to have everything ‘in balance’ then leads to feelings of doubt and guilt when one or two areas of our life demand more than their supposed ‘fair share’ of attention.
I prefer to strive for a life that is fullfilling….not balanced. It’s about understanding that I can achieve many goals in my life but not necessarily all at once. So the question I always ask myself is ‘what would be most fullfilling for me right now, given the context of my life?” That questions allows me to acknowledge my current reality – mother of 2 very young boys, 4-days of the week are child-free in which I need to fit business comittments, housekeeping committments and self-care committments (such as exercise, pesornal maintenance appointments etc).
Do I find it frustrating to not be able to dedicate every waking minute to building my business and pursuing other opportunities – absolutely….. but do I find it fulfilling to combine my business pursuits with achieving my goals as a parent as well as getting back in shape after 2 pregnancies – you bet!!! If I focused on balance I would be in a constant state of frustration…. but seeking ‘life fulfilment’ allows me to prioritise within my chosen reality.
I’ve recently discovered the idea that ‘everyday is a holiday and everyday is business.” When you love what you do, this is what becomes possible as you choose to live a joyful life that is rewarding on many levels.
So now I prefer to ask “Is this rewarding?” and “What else can I add to my life?” or “What can I do today that will be most expansive for my life and business?” rather than striving for balance. Works for me! And people keep asking why I love my life so much…
Suzi, this is spot on. We say that balance is making consistent choices that honor what you value. And guess what? You may be more busy than you’ve ever been, but your busyness will be designed by what you value. And that would equate to, um, joy.
Dunno where anybody got the idea of equilibrium.
Rachael, thanks very much for your comment – great to be part of a discussion in which we can have many points of view. Best wishes, Suzi
Thanks Darren. I like the harmony analogy. Appreciate you commenting. Suzi
Congratulations Melanie. What can we wish for other than to be in a position to do what we love… I’m glad you’re in that place. I agree about the focus of energy and dedication, even for the most committed employee, when aimed towards your personal vision and goals, is powerful. My best wishes, Suzi
Thanks Lisa. What I hear in your comments is an awareness of your state of mind and mood and are choosing clearly. Very powerful. Thanks for your comments. Appreciate the contribution.
Hi Lisa! Thanks for your comments. It’s not always easy to be present with what you value… especially when you are juggling responsibilities, goals, tasks. As you say, when it’s part of your grande vision – I think it works. Great to hear from you. Suzi
Hi Justin. Sounds like you in good health again… which is great news. Thanks for your comments and acknowledgement. Sincerely, Suzi